Statistical Process Control (SPC) Essay Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 500 words

Statistical Process Control (SPC) - Essay Example In contrast to this, SPC uses statistical techniques to ascertain whether there are any deviations in the production line that may end with the project being rejected. The concept behind the viability of the SPC is that any product in a production process will have a certain degree of deviation in terms of its properties, which will vary slightly from its design values. SPC manages these deviations and prevents them from getting out of control, by analyzing the variances within the process from time to time. For example, by using statistical tools, any person who oversees the functioning of the production line can use them to detect any profound and undesirable changes (which exceed the specified limits). The causes of any such variation could be due to a host of factors such as wear and tear due to continued use etc. and as such the technique offers a great chance of correcting the problem at the source itself thereby ensuring that subsequent products from the production line stay well within the desired limits. In worst cases, this could alert the supervisor so that he/she may stop the production in order for the problem to be rectified.

Design of an Interactive Graphics Framework

Design of an Interactive Graphics Framework Design of an Interactive Graphics Framework to Instruct Students on Computer Architecture Hardware Literature Review: The curriculum recommended by the ACM/IEEE-CS joint task force and documented in the computing curricula (ACM, 2013) defines a body of knowledge incorporating a wide variety of core topics one of which is computer architecture. Many of the topic areas within the body of knowledge are abstracted from a specific hardware implementation, computer architecture is one area for which specific implementation is essential (Taipala, 2014) as this course plays an important role in the computer science curriculum and also Students need to understand computer architecture in order to structure a program so that it runs more efficiently on a real machine. In selecting a system to use, they should be able to understand the trade off among various components, such as CPU clock speed vs. memory size. The pie chart below shows that computer technicians contribute more to total growth in science and engineering occupations which can be inferred as more number of jobs and a student can manage to get a job easily after graduation but few of the students from engineering and technology and majority of students from contrasting fields face difficulties in understanding computer architecture The computer involves many inter-related topics: digital logic, microprocessors, embedded systems, operating systems, and compiler and programming languages. This inter-relationship is pointed by Nisan and Schocken (2005) in the following way: â€Å"Of course machine language is also an abstraction an agreed upon set of binary codes. In order to make this abstraction formalism concrete, it must be realized by some hardware architecture. And this architecture, in turn, is implemented by a certain chip set, registers, memory units, ALU, and so on. Each level hides the artifacts and mechanisms of the previous lower level which makes the subject even more difficult to understand for students. This abstraction can be described by a top-down as well as a bottom-up approach. To encompass the whole domain and deal with its growing complexity, Knuth (2003), in his keynotes, recommended using a bottom-up education approach but this approach may not be efficient as in this hierarchy, the asse mbly language is the lower programming language and each of its instruction is the translation of one unique machine instruction which is the microcode of hardware activation. Hyde, in his book the Art of the Assembly Language, wrote that although assembly language has a pretty bad reputation, it is required to understand the backstage operation of computer processors (Hyde, 2003). It is a means of making the interaction of the hardware (CPU, memory, I/O) and software (the program) comprehensible (Yehezkel. 2003). The importance of learning computer architecture and the difficulties encountered by teachers assisting the students in understanding the course have been well documented (IEEE Micro, 2000; Cassel et al., 2000). Hence to improve the teaching of computer architecture, instructors must search for better pedagogical methods and tools. Moreover, at the curriculum level (as shown in the previous section), great efforts have to be invested to integrate the theoretical and practi cal aspects of computer architecture topics. Methodology: Based on a survey of software tools and technology Processing and Virtual Reality Modeling Language (VRML) are the computer graphics languages which are appropriate for doing the above mentioned work. These open source software are can build interactive programs easily with 2D or 3D outputs. Firstly an inventory of concepts needs to be created and sorted. These concepts are converted to interactive graphical simulations in order to help students understand better. To build an effective graphics framework data must be collected both from students who are enrolled in the computer architecture course and faculty who teach that course. Data can be collected by questionnaires or by conducting formal interviews with students and professors involved with computer architecture course, interview with faculty members gives the subject of study and interview with students helps in finding out on what topics they need more emphasis (Leibovitch, 2011), results from these interviews and questionna ires collectively outputs the ultimate topics which have to be converted to interactive graphical simulation. â€Å"Cheryl A Schmidt’s Complete CompTIA Guide to PCs† book covers all the fundamental topics of computer architecture and hardware which is appropriate for this research. Purdue University Calumet offers a course named computer architecture (ECET -11000) to freshmen which uses the above mentioned book as textbook and the course syllabus is designed according to the book. Information in their website clearly describes that the class attracts at least 20 students every semester since five years hence 20 counts of data can be collected. After looking at the results of interviews the topics can be finalized and can be converted to interactive 3D models and simulations (framework). Pre test and post test are given to students and these test results can be analyzed to check if this research helps in making the computer architecture course interesting, fun and easil y understandable. Data Collection: Eight to ten computer architecture text books from well established publications and authors need to be analyzed to create the inventory of concepts and these concepts are given as questionnaires to students to finalize and sort based on complexity. Questionnaire 1 (Sample questions to students, questions subject to change): The first three questions reveals about the knowledge of students about computers and their academic background, fourth question outputs the need for this research to be done and the rest of the questions are aimed at gathering the difficulty level of the course which presents the primary data that has to be converted to 3D models. Years and extent of association with computers? Concentrated major? Did you take any computer course(s) before, if yes please list them? How efficient is conventional learning experience with textbooks and labs? On a scale of 1 to 5 please rate the level of difficulty of the below mentioned concepts. Identification of parts of a mother board Mother board connections (assembling and disassembling a PC) Identification of different ports and their uses Different memory devices and their classification Configuring memory (RAM) Installing Hard Disk Redundant array of inexpensive disks (RAID technology) Sound drive installation Optical drive installation How a printer works Encrypting a file folder After analyzing the data from the above questionnaire the interactive graphical framework can be completed by using graphical tools and then be tested in class with the students and tests can be conducted, the students are tested on few computer architecture topics without the frame work then they are provided with the framework and tested again on the same questions. Analysis of the test score data can be used to draw conclusion about the efficiency of the framework in helping the students to deeply understand the course making it easy, fun and interesting. Test 1 (Sample test questions to students): The following test questions are designed according to the topics which are converted to 3D models and simulations, since the actual data is not yet collected these questions are subject to change. This test is conducted twice once without the framework and again with the framework. Even the questionnaire 1 will be given to students as post test after they have used the framework to see if they change the options from difficult to easy. What steps have to be taken while disassembling a PC? What is the use of RAID technology? How do you encrypt a file folder? How does a printer work? How do you configure RAM and calculate video memory Mention any five ports and write their uses. What type of hard disk will be chosen according to the type of CPU? Compare PATA, SATA, SCSI and SAS hard drives. Identify the parts of the below given motherboard In the following section, the basic units of the computer are presented. Illustrate, using arrows, the connection between the units. Describe the function next to each arrow. Data Analysis: The objective of this project is to help students to learn computer architecture course with building an ease in understanding and interest. To achieve this objective the interactive graphics simulator must be tested for its effectiveness. Questionnaires and interviews from students and faculty of computer architecture courses reveal the topics which are complex and have to be built in graphic simulation to make them look simple and easy. Questionnaires given to students have a scale of one to five which can be marked according to the level of difficulty of the specific concept. By analyzing the data quantitatively which is the concepts which get four or five marked in majority will be chosen to be converted to simulation. After the simulation is completed it is given to students and faculty to explore and go along with the computer architecture course. The main data analysis method to get the best result for this project is prestest and posttest. Description of the Pretest and Posttest The pretest was conducted before the course began, with the aim of determining the prior knowledge on the subject. The posttest was conducted at the end of course with the intention of determining the level of comprehension. Since the actual data is not collected the results cannot be interpreted and the questionnaires can be subject to change. The results of questionnaires before the simulator and after using the simulator are compared, if the student score in the posttest has increased drastically the simulator is considered to be effective and if there is no change or very less increment in the score then the simulator has to be developed more effectively. The figure below shows the example overall score of each student when compared to the percentage of correct answers vs prestest and posttest. Figure 1 In figure 1 the student has improved drastically after using the simulator but on the other hand if the results are opposite the simulator has to be developed more effectively. To develop a more effective simulator each question has to be compared with itself from pretest and posttest. The bar chart below represents the sample comparison of each correct answer to the question by the number of students from pretest and posttest. Figure 2 shows answers to questions which have improved and which have not improved. The first four questions in the questionnaire give the data about acquaintance of course to the student hence these four questions are removed from the comparison chart in Figure 2. From this result analysis can be made that the answers which have not improved are the concepts which are still difficult for the students to understand and be given a second thought to improve them in a different manner in the simulator thus improving its effectiveness. This way the simulator can be developed to achieve one hundred percent of usage in the class of computer architecture making the course easy, interesting and fun. Figure 2 References: Taipala, D. (2014) Teaching Computer Architecture in an Online Learning Environment using Simulation and Peer Instruction, 30(1), 87-98. Lazowaka, E.D. (2010). Where The Jobs are†¦ Retrieved from  http://www.cccblog.org/2010/01/04/where-the-jobs-are/ Nisan, N., Schocken, S. (2005) The Elements of Computing Systems, Building a Modern Computer from the First principles, MIT Press Stephen J. A., Roberts, E. (2008, July) â€Å"Point/Counterpoint. Technology curriculum for the early 21st century, Communications of the ACM, 51(7), 27-32. Leibovitch, C. Y. R., Levin, I. (2011). Reinforcing and Enhancing Understanding of Students in Learning Computer Architecture.Navigating Information Challenges. Hyde, R. (2003, September). The Art of Assembly Language Programming. Chapter 6: Memory Architecture. Retrieved from: http://webster.cs.ucr.edu/AoA/Windows/HTML/MemoryArchitecture.html. Lazowaka, E.D. (2010). Where The Jobs are†¦ Retrieved from  http://www.cccblog.org/2010/01/04/where-the-jobs-are/ IEEE Micro. (2000). Special Issue on Computer Architecture Education, 20(30). Joint Task Force on Computer Engineering Curricula: IEEE Computer Society/Association for Computing Machinery, Computer Engineering 2004: Curriculum Guidelines for Undergraduate Degree Programs in Computer Engineering, 30-31. Retrieved from: http://www.eng.auburn.edu/ece/CCCE/ Yehezkel, C., Ben-Ari, M., Dreyfus, T. (2007). The contribution of visualization to learning computer architecture, CSE on Special Issue on Teaching Hardware-software, 2(17), 117-127. Yehezkel, C. (2003). Making program execution comprehensible—one level above the machine language. 35(3), 124 – 128. Knuth, D. (2003). Bottom-up education, keynote in Proceedings of 8th annual conference on Innovation and technology in computer science education. Retrieved from: http://iticse2003.uom.gr/Iticse_day3 Kumar, D. and Cassel, L. (2002). A state of the course report: Computer organization and architecture. SIGCSE Bulletin, 34(3), 175 – 177. Purdue Calumet Class schedule. Retrieved From: https://banwebf.purduecal.edu/pls/proddad/Webctlg.P_CtlgProcInput?inputsubjcode=ECETinputsymbol==inputcrsenumb=11000inputcoursetype=2inputreqind=2callpage=clistquery Cheryl A(2014). Complete CompTIA Guide to PCs. Sample pages retrieved From: http://ptgmedia.pearsoncmg.com/images/9780789749765/samplepages/0789749769.pdf

Online Courses vs. Traditional Courses Essay -- Higher Education, Inter

Today, more and more colleges are offering courses to students that are entirely online. Students who are drawn to online courses include students working full-time jobs, students who would prefer a private study environment, or students who find that online courses are easier than traditional (campus-based) courses. Advertisements geared to encourage students to register for online classes have the tendency to portray them as being easier and requiring less work than its campus counterpart. For instance, some television advertisements show students wearing night clothes working in a relaxed environment within their home - free of the pressures caused by deadlines and testing. Despite the fact that online courses and traditional courses generally cover the same material on a given subject—the two are markedly different with regards to technical requirements, social interaction, testing, and practice. Possessing strong computer skills is one of the fundamental requirements for a student taking an online course. In contrast, traditional courses seldom require the use of computers; instead, online courses are conducted entirely on a computer via the internet. Students must know how to navigate the internet, use email to communicate and submit assignments, and use word processing and other programs required for the specific course. Students who are novice computer users will be at a great disadvantage and likely will not complete the course with a satisfactory grade. Students who possess these skills will be able to excel through online courses with greater ease, and more flexibility than courses taught on campus. Lack of social interaction is another factor that a student should consider when registering to take an online course. A... ...es, than courses taken on campus. Students absolutely must possess great self-discipline in order to successfully complete an online course. All things considered, besides a private study environment, the single most advantage of an online course over a traditional course is the flexibility they offer in scheduling, especially for students with fluctuating schedules. Nevertheless, despite advertisements, online courses require students to work as hard as courses taught on campus—if not harder. Students who lack computer skills, students who require strong social interaction, and students who are not strongly disciplined should take courses that are offered on campus. Students must carefully evaluate all of these points and any course literature available in order to select the type of course that best fits their learning style, as this has been most helpful for me.

Are we all fundamentally the same?

We are all equal in the fact that we are all different. We are all the same in the fact that we will never be the same. We are united by the reality that all colors and all cultures are distinct & individual. We are harmonious in the reality that we are all held to this earth by the same gravity. We don't share blood, but we share the air that keeps us alive. How can we get people to understand that we really are fundamentally the same? I agree, that perceived specialness, drive for fulfillments, experience a life of meaning and Conception/love fundamentally makes us the same, yes we have the same needs but express them differently. We humans are similar but we have a particular need or erg to be unique however, some of us may argue with the fact that we are not fundamentally the same, as we all are not blessed with unique qualities. This may be the struggle but we all have at least one or more difference that makes us unique and as time passes we realize it ourselves. Although we all have this erg for fulfillment but culturally we express that need in different ways for example ‘Frozen’ by Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee, Elsa (character) – From the outside, Elsa looks poised, regal, and reserved, but in reality, she lives in fear as she wrestles with a mighty secret. Queen looks confident and mature, but she’s actually lonely and frightened, because of her special ability as she is not like everyone else. Her feelings are loneliness, Guilt and fear. She’s fearful of others because she thinks they will be afraid and hunt her down if they know about her powers. Once she opens up to herself and accepts her self for whom she is, she goes through this completely different phase full of laughter and self-confidence. Frozen is in format of a film and this is an effective way to put across their message as an animated film because they are watched by a wide range of audience including, families, adults, teenagers and children. In this case Elsa’s community did not accept her when she revealed her powers as they tried to hunt her down and take away her powers but using her powers and accepting her self is happiness to elsa but her community wasn’t ready to accept that. However, it is our own decision to trust our own ability to follow our own decision to trust our own ability to follow our heart and admit our differences as it can inspire others. Happy Feet’ by George Miller expresses also expresses this erge of uniqueness. Mumble (character) expresses his uniqueness by toe tapping, as he can’t sing like other penguins, which makes him different. This text is targeted at disabled people or people who can’t fit in to have faith and believe in themselves with what they can do. Hiss community wasn’t ready to appreciate his uniqueness, fortunately he didn’t feel inferior, as he was aware of his ability. Negative affectivity can make one feel guilt, fear and nervousness. The fact that we display those themes but we express it differently in different ways, makes us different. We have lots of ways for expressing it, it’s the ability for us to differentiate us from others. I have come across two texts that reveal that humans are fundamentally the samead the erg for uniqueness. We just need to be ourselves, I chose frozen because it has affected me personally and has taught me a lesson in life as well as happy feet, It puts me into deep understanding and makes me reflect on to my life and makes me reflect on to my life and makes me want to achieve anything in the world I wish to accomplish.

You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 25~26

Chapter Twenty-five They Know Not What They Do When Rivera and Cavuto arrived at the Safeway, they found that the remaining Animals had crucified Clint on a stainless-steel chip rack and were shooting him with paint-ball guns. Lash unlocked the door to let them in. The Emperor and his men followed. Clint's screaming sent Bummer into a barking fit and the Emperor snatched him up and stuffed him headfirst into the pocket of his overcoat. â€Å"That really necessary?† Rivera asked, pointing to the paint-splattered martyr. â€Å"We think so,† Lash said. â€Å"He ratted us out.† Lash turned, sighted down the pass-through of register three, and fired a quick volley of electric-blue paintballs into the center of Clint's chest. â€Å"Did he call you again?† Rivera threw a thumb over his shoulder at the Emperor. The Emperor bowed. â€Å"You needed help, my son.† Lash nodded, considering that the Emperor might be right, then reeled and fired three quick shots into Clint's groin. â€Å"Just the same, motherfucker!† â€Å"Stop that!† Rivera said. He snatched the paintball gun out of Lash's hand. â€Å"It's cool. He's wearing a cup.† â€Å"And he's saved,† said Barry, who had been firing from register four. â€Å"Well, he is now,† Cavuto said. As he approached the paint-sodden Evangelical, he pulled a serrated-edge pocket knife from his back pocket and flicked it open. â€Å"And just so you know,† Cavuto added when his back was to them, â€Å"if I turn and there's a single paintball gun pointed in this direction, I will be forced to mistake it for a real weapon and unleash lead Disneyland on your pathetic asses.† Barry and Troy Lee immediately dropped their weapons onto the counter. â€Å"So, the Emperor tells us that you guys have been up to some shit. I thought we all agreed that we were going to keep it on the down-low until things calmed down.† Lash looked at his shoes. â€Å"We just had a little party in Vegas.† Rivera nodded. â€Å"And you kidnapped Tommy Flood?† Lash glared over Rivera's shoulder at the Emperor. â€Å"That was a secret. Really we were saving him from the daylight.† â€Å"So the redhead did turn him?† â€Å"Looked like it. He was unconscious at dawn. Just a little sunlight hit his leg when we were moving him and it started to smoke.† â€Å"So you geniuses did what?† â€Å"Well, we tied him to a bed at my apartment and left.† â€Å"You left?† â€Å"We had to work.† Cavuto had cut the zip ties that held Clint to the chip rack and helped him to the register, where he sat him down, careful not to get any paint on his sport coat. â€Å"Forgive them, they know not what they do,† Clint said, wincing as he touched his paint-spattered shoulder. â€Å"Because they're fucking idiots,† Cavuto said, handing him a roll of paper towels. Rivera ignored the scene at the register. â€Å"So you just left him there. So I'll find him there now, right?† â€Å"That was a couple of nights ago,† Lash said. â€Å"Go on.† Rivera looked at his watch. â€Å"Well, in the morning he was gone.† â€Å"And?† â€Å"It's awkward.† For variety, Lash looked at Barry's shoes. â€Å"Yeah, tying up your friends and torturing them can be that way,† Rivera said. â€Å"We didn't torture him. That was her.† â€Å"Her?† Rivera raised an eyebrow. â€Å"Blue. A hooker we rented in Vegas.† â€Å"Now we're talkin',† Cavuto said. â€Å"She came back with us. She wanted us to kidnap Tommy or his girlfriend.† â€Å"Why did she want that? To get their share of the art money?† â€Å"No, she had plenty of money. I think she wanted to be a vampire.† Rivera tried to hide his surprise. â€Å"And?† â€Å"When we went back to the apartment in the morning, Tommy was gone and Blue was dead.† â€Å"We had nothing to do with it,† Barry added. â€Å"But we didn't think you'd believe it,† Troy Lee said. Rivera felt a tension headache starting to throb in his temples. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. â€Å"So you found a dead woman in your apartment. And you didn't think that then might be a good time to call the police?† â€Å"Well, you know, dead hooker in your house – embarrassing,† Troy Lee said. â€Å"I think we've all been there. Can I get a high five – † Apparently, he couldn't, and was thus left hanging. â€Å"That's the weird thing,† Barry said. â€Å"When we went to move her body, it was gone. But the rug we wrapped her in was still there.† â€Å"Yeah, that's the weird thing,† Cavuto said, nudging his partner in the arm. â€Å"Heinous fuckery most foul,† said the Emperor. â€Å"Ya think?† said Cavuto. Bummer growled from his pocket sanctuary. â€Å"You guys are not helping,† Rivera said. Then to Lash again: â€Å"You have a description of this hooker?† Lash described Blue, glossing quickly over the fact that she was blue, and spending entirely too much time describing her breasts. â€Å"They were outstanding,† Barry said. â€Å"I kept them.† Rivera turned to Troy Lee, who seemed the most rational of these insane bastards. â€Å"Explain, please.† â€Å"We found silicone implants wrapped up in the rug where we had left Blue.† â€Å"Uh-huh,† Rivera said. â€Å"Intact?† â€Å"Huh?† Troy inquired. â€Å"Were they all cut up?† â€Å"You think someone cut them out of her and took the body?† Troy asked. â€Å"No,† Rivera said. â€Å"So now you've lost three of your buddies?† â€Å"Yeah. Drew, Jeff, and Gustavo didn't show up tonight.† Rivera had Lash get the addresses of the missing Animals from the office and wrote them down in his notebook. â€Å"And you don't think that they might just be out partying?† â€Å"We called all the phones, checked their houses,† Lash said. â€Å"The door was hanging open at Drew's, and Jeff had left half a beer in the driveway, which he would never do. Besides, Jeff and Drew might flake, but Gustavo wouldn't. We even went to his cousin's house in Oakland looking for him.† â€Å"And he did not est en la biblioteca either,† said Barry, who, for some reason, believed that all Spanish-speaking people spent a lot of time in the library and had therefore checked there for the intrepid night porter. â€Å"No more bodies that you might have forgotten to mention?† â€Å"Nuh-uh,† Lash said. â€Å"Our money was gone, though. But we'd given it all to Blue anyway.† â€Å"I didn't,† Clint said. â€Å"Mutual funds, less ten percent for the church.† â€Å"You gave six hundred thousand dollars to a hooker?† Rivera almost slapped the kid. Almost. â€Å"Well† – Lash looked at Barry and Troy Lee, then, trying to suppress a grin – â€Å"yeah.† Rivera shook his head. â€Å"Keep the door locked and don't report this to anyone else.† â€Å"That's it?† Lash said. â€Å"You aren't going to arrest us or anything?† â€Å"For what?† Rivera flipped his notebook closed and tucked it into the inside pocket of his suit coat. â€Å"Uh, I don't know.† â€Å"Me either,† said Rivera. â€Å"Emperor, you stay inside tonight with these guys. Okay?† â€Å"As you wish, Inspector.† The Emperor scratched behind Lazarus's ears. â€Å"That okay?† Rivera said to Lash. Lash nodded. â€Å"Are we going to be safe?† he asked. Rivera stopped, looked around at the Animals and the Emperor and his dogs. â€Å"Nope,† he said. â€Å"Let's go, Nick.† He turned and walked out the door. The foghorn was lowing across the Bay as the detectives walked back to their car. Fort Mason, just across the street, was barely visible in the rolling cloud of gray mist. â€Å"You think the old vampire is hunting the Animals?† Cavuto asked. â€Å"Someone is,† Rivera said. â€Å"But I'm not sure it's him.† â€Å"You think it might be the redhead and the kid?† â€Å"Could be, but I don't think so. You know, even with the vampire, we always had an identifiable MO – broken neck and massive blood loss, on a victim who turned out to be terminally ill, right?† â€Å"Yeah.† â€Å"So if he went after these kids, why no bodies?† â€Å"So it's Flood and the redhead. And they hide their bodies.† â€Å"I think it could be worse than that.† â€Å"Like worse in a way that we'll never be able to open the bookstore and may in fact end up doing time for taking the vampire's art collection?† â€Å"Like worse in that the hooker and the missing Animals aren't dead at all.† â€Å"How is that worse?† Then Cavuto realized how that was worse. They climbed into the car and stared at the windshield for a while without saying anything. Finally, after a full minute, Cavuto said, â€Å"We're fucked.† â€Å"Yep,† Rivera said. â€Å"The whole city is fucked.† â€Å"Yep.† Chapter Twenty-six Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal: Star-Crossed Lover and Tragic Fatale OMG! We are doomed by our forbidden love! We are like from different feuding families, from the wrong side of the tracks, he is like year of the Rabbit and I am a Leo, so we are even star-crossed, and it's a well-known fact that rabbits and lions have a strained relationship. OMFG! He's so hot! He rocks my stripy socks. If we had moors, I would so be off brooding upon one, my delicate jaw muscles clenched as I stared off into the mist, feeling my profound missing-ness for him. (I can't believe that San Francisco doesn't have a moor. Everywhere you go we have automated, coin-operated robotic bathrooms, or Frisbee golf courses, or some new stainless-steel epileptic razor-blade public-art thingy, you'd think the least they could do would be to install a decent moor – because there are a lot more people who like brooding than like Frisbee golf. I'm pretty sure moors can be used for other purposes, too, like hauntings and hiding bodies and family picnics and whatnot.) Thus I am for ced to do my brooding at Tulley's Coffee on Market Street. It took most of the day for us to move the Countess and the vampyre Flood to Jared's room. First we had to wrap them up in duct tape and garbage bags to protect them from the sun, then get them down the hill from the Bay Bridge in the garden cart, which was totally physically hard, and not like taking X and dancing or playing DDR all night, more like work. Then, when we were loading them into the minivan, these two cops come by. And they're all, â€Å"So, what are you doing with your piercings and your magenta-on-black hair, and what can we do to further repress your creativity? Bluster-blah-blah.† And Jared was all, â€Å"Nothing.† All wussy and guilty-sounding. He had the front end of the Countess at the time and he totally just dropped her headfirst on the floorboard of the van. So I was like, â€Å"Fucktard! The Countess is going to rip your nads off when she awakens!† (And she might, too, although when we unwrapped her she seemed unbruised.) And the cop was all, â€Å"Hold it right there, kid.† With his hand on his gun like I was going to go all Columbine on his ass or something. So I knew it was time for some strategy. So I stepped over to the cop, and I started whispering like I didn't want Jared to hear. And I'm all, â€Å"Officer, I'm really embarrassed to even be seen like this. I'm a Kappa Kappa Delta pledge and we're doing this hazing thing. I wouldn't be caught dead dressed like this, but it's like the most popular and powerful sorority on campus.† And the cop is all, â€Å"What about the guy? He's not in your sorority.† And I was all, â€Å"Shhhhhhh. God, you want to hurt her feelings? They made her shave her head like that and she's having a hard enough time with that and being totally flat-chested. Frankly, I don't think she's going to make it. Everyone knows that KKDs are pretty. Hello.† I batted my eyelashes and sort of pushed my basically invisible boobs together with my arms, as I have often seen done in music videos. And the cop was all, â€Å"Can I see your student ID?† And I was like, FUCK, because I didn't know which college would be most likely to have a sorority, so I went with my Berkeley student ID, because Berkeley is a well-known bastion of hippie behavior and higher learning in which a sorority girl would probably have to blow like a hundred football players just to keep her GPA up. And cops like football. So he was all, â€Å"Okay, but make sure there's plenty of airholes so your friends can breathe.† And I was all, â€Å"Sure thing. See ya later, cop.† So when we got the masters to Jared's house, his step-mom was all, â€Å"So, I see you have your little friend with you.† And Jared had to play chilly, so he was like, yeah, we have a school project. And stepmonster was so proto-orgasmic that Jared was with a girl that she didn't even say much when we dragged the bodies through the den. Jared was all, â€Å"They're for social studies. We're doing replicas of Egyptian mummies.† Despite the complete embarrassment for me as a fellow woman, I'm grateful that when fathers pick their trophy wives, they don't check resumes or SAT scores, because you couldn't get away with that shit with a woman of normal intelligence. But Jared's stepmonster was all, â€Å"Oh, how nice for you. Would you like some juice?† Fortunately she wasn't around in sixth grade when Jared and I actually did our mummy project. We got in trouble for charging three hundred dollars' worth of Ace bandages on my mom's Visa, and my sister Ronnie has never fully recovered the feeling in her feet (and has an anxiety attack whenever she's in an enclosed space). But there was no gangrene or amputations like the doctors threatened, and we got a B, so I don't see what all the noise and counseling was about. Anyway, after we unwrapped the Countess, I knew I had to go back and feed Chet, like I promised the disgusting huge cat guy, and since we had now shared a moment of intimacy, I felt obligated. So we shoved the vampyre Flood under Jared's bed, because Jared wanted to sit on the bed and play Xbox and it's a single bed. So, anyway, I caught the bus on Twenty-fourth Street, and got back to the SOMA with just enough time to feed Chet before the old naked vampyre awakened from his undead slumber. And I took Jared's dagger with me in my biohazard messenger bag, because I thought I would dispatch Elijah by decapitation as, like, an extra-credit thing for the Countess. Shut up. It wasn't like I went down in the basement in my nightgown to check on a blown fuse when the radio clearly had stated that there was a psycho killer on the loose and he was probably in the basement. I'm not stupid. I put on Jared's motocross boots and his leather jacket and spiked dog collar, and tied my hair back, so I was totally Thunderdome-ready. How hard could it be to feed the cat and cut the head off a sleeping old guy, anyway? It's not like they wake up. I mean, we bonked Flood's head on the steps going to Jared's room like eight times and he didn't even groan. So I would have been all good and totally in line to be Princess of Darkness or at least Assistant Manager of Darkness, except when I was going up the steps I heard the dryer open. And I was all, Uh-oh. Since when is sundown like at five-o'clock? What am I, nine years old that I should have sunset at five o'clock? Sunset shouldn't be until like eight or nine o'clock, right? Right? So, I'm like, WHOA. And I froze. And I stood there for like a half an hour, not moving at all, because I didn't buckle like the top buckles of Jared's motocross boots, to show my casual badassness, so it was like I was wearing fucking sleigh bells. (I know, I'm a tard.) So I couldn't move. Then, after about a year, I hear this car pull up outside and the doors open, and I'm thinking – Hello, Diversion, my old friend. And I ran out the security door and right into this tall blond ho. And she's dressed all couture and shit, like it's fashion week at church or something, except she's with three of the guys from the Hummer limo, and she's pale as albino monkey cum. And I don't mean in a good way either. I mean in a sort of â€Å"Hey, Myrtle Joe Cornfed, y'all let go your stepdaddy's penis and get over here and turn the channel to NASCAR† kind of way. I mean, she had no mascara on at all! Then she just picks me up by the arms and it hurt a lot, and I'm like kicking and thrashing and all, and she throws back her head and here come the fangs. And I'm all, â€Å"No way. They'll just let any-fucking-body into the coven.† And she's all, â€Å"Not you. Unless you know where my money is.† And I'm all, â€Å"Step off, skank.† And she goes to bite me, and something yanks her back off her feet and I go flying. Next thing, I'm looking up at the old vampyre in his yellow tracksuit, who is holding the blond ho by the hair, and the pale limo guys are like coming in on him. And Track-suit is all, â€Å"Against the rules, pet. You can't go willy-nilly turning everyone you meet. It attracts the wrong kind of attention.† And wham, he smacks her face on the hood of her Mercedes, leaving a face print on the paint, I swear on the crusty hippie grave of my mother. So I'm all, â€Å"Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!† Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the appropriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) So they all turn on me. And I'm all, â€Å"awkward.† So I started backing across the street. And crusty old vampyre bounces monkey cum's face off the hood of the Mercedes a couple of more times, then drops her and comes for me. The limo guys are all sort of standing by the car like they are waiting for instructions or something. Then one of them says, â€Å"Hey,† and starts coming my way, too. So I'm at the wall across the street, and I know I can't run, so I reach into my bag and pull Jared's dagger. And Tracksuit starts laughing – like really stoner laughing, pointing at my ensemble. And I was all, â€Å"Shut up, fuckface, this knife and boots totally go with fishnets.† Except for the Countess, I realize now that vampyres lose all fashion sense at death. But then I hear this really loud thumper coming from down the alley, like club music you can feel in your breastbone, and this totally race-pimped yellow Honda comes screaming out of the alley. Who knew you could even get a car down that alley. So the old vampyre has to jump back to avoid being run over and the limo guys jump back, and I was kind of hiding my head in my arms, but I hear, â€Å"Get in,† and it's the cool Manga-haired Asian guy who I'd seen outside the loft before. And I'm all, â€Å"What?† Because the music is really loud. And he's all, â€Å"Get in.† And I'm all, â€Å"What?† And by this time the old vampyre has jumped over the hood of the Honda and is about to grab me when there's this flash. Really more than a flash, because it stayed on. But there was this blinding light. And the music goes down and I hear, â€Å"Get in.† So I look into the light, and I'm like, â€Å"Grandma, is that you?† Okay, I didn't say that. I'm totally fucking with you. I looked into the light and saw the Manga-haired guy, wearing sunglasses, and he's waving for me to get in his car. And then I see that the old vampyre is charred like Wile E. Coyote after a bad rocket shoes test. And so are the limo guys, and they're smoking and limping away from the Honda, which is shining like a star or something. And Manga is all, â€Å"Now!† And I'm all, â€Å"Shut up, you're not the boss of me.† But I got in the Honda and we totally drifted around the corner, and when we're a block or two away Steve (that's his name, Steve) kills the ginormous floodlights in the backseat and I can sort of see again. And he's all, â€Å"High-intensity ultraviolet.† And I'm, â€Å"You, too.† And he's like, â€Å"What are you talking about?† I'm like, â€Å"I thought it was a compliment.† Then he smiled, like the cutest smile, although he was still driving muy intense and totally badass, and he goes, â€Å"No, that light back there was high-intensity ultraviolet. It burns them.† And I was all, â€Å"I knew that.† And he was like, â€Å"You know that those three guys were vampyres, too, right?† And I'm all, â€Å"Duh.† But I didn't know. So I'm like, â€Å"How did you know?† Then he takes off his shades and puts on these binocular robot-glasses things, like they wear in Siphon Assassin Six for Xbox, which I am against because it glorifies violence in the minds of adolescent boys and because it's totally impossible to get a decent head shot when your squad mates are bumping into you, which needs to be fixed in the next version if I'm going to be able to do the â€Å"gray spray† on the sentry tower glass. So Steve is all, â€Å"Yeah, they're infrared. You can see heat with them, and there was no heat coming off anyone back there but you.† And I'm like, â€Å"Who the fuck are you?† And he's like, â€Å"My name's Steve. I'm working on my biochem masters at S.F. State.† â€Å"Stop,† I said. â€Å"Please do not further endorken youself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?† And he was like, â€Å"Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine.† Which was fair, and I know that he was only saying it out of concern for my welfare and whatnot, because I think he knew even then that we were destined to be together, soul mates. So while he drives, Steve tells me that he was doing some experiments on some bodies for his master's thingy, and he found that the cells of the victims were regenerating when you added blood to them, and he thinks he can turn them back to normal human cells by using some gene therapy or something. And he's been talking to the Countess and Lord Flood about turning them back, but the Countess is all, â€Å"No way, hot Manga-haired science guy.† So I was all, â€Å"Why would she want to give up immortality and superpowers and whatnot?† And he was all, â€Å"I don't know.† And I was all, â€Å"We should discuss it over coffee.† And he was like, â€Å"I would love to do that, but I'm already late for work.† And I was like, â€Å"I thought you were a mad scientist.† And he was all, â€Å"I work at Stereo City.† And I was like, â€Å"Dude, you should get a job at Metreon selling the big-screens, because they have like the best test couches.† And he was like, â€Å"Okay.† Just like that, â€Å"Okay.† So he wanted to give me a ride home, so I would be safe, which is so sweet, but I needed double-soy Mochaccino to calm my nerves, so here I am at Tulley's, totally brooding. But before I got out of the car, I was like, â€Å"Steve, do you have a girlfriend?† And he was like, â€Å"No, I put a lot of time into my studies, and I sort of always have.† And I was like, â€Å"So would you be in the market for a Gaijin princess?† And he was like, â€Å"That's Japanese. I'm Chinese.† And I'm like, â€Å"Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.† I don't know what came over me. I was just fizzing over with adrenaline and passion and whatnot, I guess. I usually don't throw myself at guys, but he was so mysterious and smart and hot. So he got this big grin and he was like, â€Å"My parents would freak out if they saw you.† And I was like, â€Å"You live at home?† And he was all, â€Å"Well, uh, yeah, uh, kinda, uh – â€Å" So I grabbed the pen out of his pocket and wrote my cell number on his arm while he stuttered, then when I put the pen back I kissed him sort of hard and totally passionately, which I could tell he liked a lot, so I pushed him away and slapped him so he wouldn't think I was a slut. But not very hard, so he wouldn't think I wasn't interested. And I was all, â€Å"Call me.† And he was all, â€Å"I will.† So I was like, â€Å"Do not fuck with your hair.† And he was all, â€Å"Okay.† And I was all, â€Å"Be careful.† And he was all, â€Å"I will. You, too.† And I was all, â€Å"Oh, yeah, thanks for the rescue and whatnot.† And he was all, â€Å"Sure. Thanks for the kiss.† And so I am his shameless White Devil Juliet and he is my sweet Ninja Romeo (unless Ninjas are also Japanese, in which case I will have to look some shit up for metaphors because the only thing Chinese I can think of right now is Dim Sum, and I believe it's disrespectful to refer to your soul mate in terms of finger food). Fucksocks! My cell. Jared. L8rz.